Memoir of a Family Member

I tend to think 99% of the Earth's population is "strange." Therefore, I can't really reminesce about strange experiences with strange family members. Guess I'm far too Taoist for that. Instead, you get an earlier memory of mine from a few summers ago, something I call...

After the Storm

We're back from high school rodeo state finals. Wow, have I got stories. Stories that will make you laugh, cry, pee, or any combination of those actions. Leave now if you have an aversion to any of those activities, or if you're sensitive about being from East River. I speak for every West River senior when I say I'm fed up with Huron, and glad to be rid of their incompetence. Finals should not be held at the corner of Bumblescrew and Youvegotaprettymouth. They said last year they'd spray for mosquitoes. Either they didn't, or they did a piss-poor job. I almost got carried away by swarms of the Minnesota state bird. There was no toilet paper in the restrooms. That's okay because I had plenty of Best Buy receipts in my truck. (Seriously, why do I need six feet of receipt for a CD purchase?) I don't know how others fared. And this is the best part: the barn that usually sells hay and bedding wasn't open Friday or Saturday. I don't know if they were selling when I left Sunday. I'll pause to let you bask in the implications of that while I make a PB+J. Say it with me: horses... need... food... and... shavings... you... morons. By Saturday, there was an abundance of crap and dirty sawdust in almost every barn. I imagine it wasn't that different from Larry Flynt's living room. Great job, Huron.

On to how my sister did. With her torn ligament, goat tying proved difficult. On a sidenote: at the second Southwest regionals, she didn't finish her first goat run because she was in so much pain. Not one, but four mothers went to the director and complained, trying to have Elizabeth disqualified. Their reasoning? Her goat hadn't been tied as many times as the other goats. Cry me a river, you petty soccer moms, and stop being jealous. But back to Huron. Elizabeth has trouble standing up to rope, so she didn't make it back to the short go in calf roping. Now team roping, there's a different story. Years ago, Elizabeth broke open the high school team roping scene on a major scale for women all over the state. Her heeling partner, Cooper Waln, fractured his neck in a car accident before regionals. Her only option was to start heeling herself, and take Kaylee Nelson as a heading partner. Their first run at state, they complete their run, face, and wait for the judge to flag... and wait... and wait some more. After about six nerve-strangling seconds, Elizabeth's rope pops off the back feet. He flags them out.

Jerk.

I'm wondering what his problem was. Was he a failure as a roper in his early years, or does the idea of two women ropers piss off his sexist, backward, whitebread, redneck mind? And why isn’t he judging Olympic figure skating? I say this with conviction: I don't care where the judges are from. I want them to at least be honest and fair. This problem exists within the regions as well.

The next day, they complete their run, face, and stretch the crap out of that steer. He still rides over and checks Kaylee's loop for any possible violation of the rules. I was so incensed. Ranting aside, I still enjoyed talking with old friends and watching the performance.

And as a last irrelevant segue: for anybody unfamiliar with rodeo, sunflower seeds are still a tradition at performances. Thousands of empty shells litter the grounds during rodeos. It looks like a sunflower seed Vietnam. If sunflower seeds were capable of sentient thought, they'd be forming a sunflower Monterey Festival, and Sunflower Dylan and Salty Seed Baez would be leading the crowd in “We Shall Overcome”. I've never been so full of sodium. I felt like I had just given blood. You ever wonder why so many rodeo people are hunters? After a rodeo, you might as well go deer hunting 'cause you're passing salt licks.

Elizabeth won the barrel racing saddle and came in second in the cutting, so she's going to nationals in those events. She was four points away from the reserve all-around championship. It took a torn ligament and a roping team retooling to move her down that far. And the kids that comprise the homeschool competitors won more points than the Sturgis team, and Sturgis still won the hi-point trophy. Oh well. I eagerly await National Finals in Gillette. I'm bringing plenty of sunflower seeds.